i'm. going. to. scream.

i need a new phone so bad!! as of september, 2008 i've had a (and my first ever) blackberry curve. it was a big step for me converting from the sidekick! i had the sidekick since it first came out, boy was i obsessed with it. my boyfriend thought i'd be spending less time on my phone if he got me to get rid of it, but he was wrong. he knew that bbm was the next best thing to aim, so i don't know what he was thinking. anyway, after having my phone for only 3 months, it fell from my dresser one day and the screen completely cracked :( . since i am officially broke these days, even with phone insurance, i could not afford to replace my cute, red, blackberry curve, so i just delt with it and am still dealing with it. it's a pretty tough phone if i may say so myself. since the incident i have dropped it at least 15 times and nothing else has seemed to brake, yaayy... until recently, boo... my camera isn't workingggg.. :(  do you know how frustrating that is!! not only that but it does this 'hour glass' thing sometimes where the screen completely freezes, ugh so annoying! im not sure when the new tmobile phones are coming out, so if anyone hears/knows of anything please feel free to share. i'm almost thinking of going back to the sidekick, i really loved that phone. i think its fair to say i officially own a 'crackberry'. haha, humm

worst nightmare last night!

i dreampt that i was sold to this whore house (i know) and throughout my whole dream i just tried and tried and tried to ecape. i made it out of this MANSION and onto the streets, screaming for a taxi, just to find myself being driven back to the house. seems that in my dream everyone worked for the main boss. girls ran away, you picked them up and returned them.. you got paid. so back to the house i went with my cell phone tight in hand, i creep under a bed and try to ring my boyfriend a million times to have him come rescue me. he answers and is freaking out, but i am so scared to talk loud. finally i tell him to meet me at the side of the house, as i escape through a doggy door. i run to him while bawling my eyes out. we run out to the street to try and find help, we get a cab.. only to be driven back to the house. it's weird though.. in my mind i know there are girls being raped but it's like a huge party! there are so many people at this house! everyone is jumping in the pool and drinking, it was sooooo weird. anyway, alex and i are walking around this house trying to find a way out and we pretend to be tourists? and this tall skinny black guy comes and is showing us the view of this huge high-rise house(!?) and we pushed him out the window!!! then the cleaning lady starts to ask "where is the guy, where is the guy" and i told her he had just walked by her, 'didn't you see him'? she goes to get the BOSS and alex and i hide, my phone starts going off the hook and im scared he'll find us... actually it was alex calling me to wake me up. my dream was finally over!! so freaking aweful. 

i think i need to give these homocide shows a rest. getting to me much.. naaah =/

i'm kind of sad today.

i'm sure being a woman and getting that monthly gift has everything to do with it, but it still sucks feeling so emotional. it just feels like ever since i got to LA nothing has worked out in my interest. yes i had a job the first week i was here, but that was about the only good thing that has happened to me since the 1st of June. 

where should i begin... well, i haven't even been here for a month yet and am already on my fifth ticket. yes i read signs, but these bastards get you if you go over a minute! and i am not exaggerating! a $78 ticket for one minute late on my meter, two $60 tickets for parking on the wrong side of the street (kz every day is a different side for street cleaning) and two other parking tickets for $40. unfuckingbelievable. 

then there's the fact that all i do with my days is sit around, watch television, maybe go on a casting or two, then moap around some more until it's time to sleep. FML. im not saying that i am not happy to at least be going on a casting or two a day, because trust me I AM, but why is it that the girls who do drugs all night and show up to work the next morning reeking of booze are the ones that are always booking things? that makes me so angry!! i actually care about my job, i care that i don't look exhausted, hungover or reek of ridiculous odors and i am the one that sits at home with no job, no money, and no life. 

then there's the so called 'friends'. haah, that word does not really exist in los angeles. no one here is your friend! this place is worse than nyc. people here only want to know you because they want to know who you know and what you or others can do for them. not only will they drop you like a bad habit but they will bring your good name down with them. i had an incident last week with a 'so called friend', who i will not mention. he is well know, wealthy, and a pain in the ass. just because he has a shit ton of money and can have whatever he wants whenever he wants, it does not mean he can be-little people, especially me. i don't give a rats ass who you are, what you have, or what you can offer me.. don't talk to me like i am less than you. if you don't like my personality and you don't like me for me, no one is making you stick around. you are not the only 'promoter' in this town who will offer me a free dinner, thank you very much. (ps, he hates being called that. lol. he is the only person i know in this town that four girls to one guy is too many girls. whateverrr)

and last but not least, there are the so called 'friends' back home that hurt me more than anyone will ever really know. one in particular i considered a true friend for oh so many years and out of the blue she decided to hate me, talk crap about me, and post lies on fb about me for all to see. the only reason why the fb thing really bothers me is because i went to a christian school growing up. everyone that we are mutual friends with knows me as the girl from back then. the pretty, quiet, good girl, that ended up getting out of that small town and moving to ny to do what i had always dreamed of. since these people have not seen me in so many years and only read about me i for sure do not want them believing false rumors. the thing that annoys ME so damn much is that this incident happened at least 4 months ago and i still cannot let it go. it has upset me so much! not only because of those reasons mentioned above, but because i actually want to be happy for this girl (and her followers). i WANT to wish them happiness and congratulate them on their lives and the families they are starting. we grew up together for goodness sake. its just so sad and hurtful to me how fast someone you thought was a friend can and will turn on you so quickly. 

i am the happiest and most secure when i am with my boyfriend who loves me so so much, and therefore i cannot wait until this LA experience is over. i am so glad i am starting school in the fall. its time for a new adventure and i know it's going to be mind blowing. 

for all of you 'friends' that truly are and always have been, i appreciate you guys more than anything!! if it wasn't for the good people in my life, i think i would just be a mess. thank you for holding me together. i love every single one of you. 

two other outfits from the SF show.

do i bob my head too much? lol

oh geez.

so i went back to san francisco this past weekend because i was booked for a fashion show. i absolutely LOVE the runway!! i know it's not what pays the most, but for some reason it is so thrilling and so fun for me. i will almost do it for free, almost. ;)

anyway, i had a great time, except when a male model completely jinxed me. NO JOKE, i was back stage about to walk out on the runway and the guy behind me asks if this was my first show. i told him no, that i had done plenty of shows before and no longer got nervous, blah blah. he asked if anything bad had ever happened to me and again i said no. (i also warned him that if he had just jinxed me, i was going to hurt him afterwards.) welllll, guess what happens... the damn dress i had to wear was SO long for me that not only did i rip the end of it on the runway, but i almost busted my butt! 

just watch...

everyone gasped, so embarrassing! :(

grr..

life stinks, i need a drink.

ok, maybe more than one.